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This column originally appeared in newspapers in February of 2007. You may wonder what a column about the launch of my Web site has to do with Britney Spears. Read the whole thing, and all will be made clear, my attractive and patient friend. George Waters Dot Net Is Launched! There are only two main things which elevate humans above the animals: 1) a lack of body hair, and 2) Web sites. If you have ever seen me at the beach, you know that I cannot claim superiority on the first item. But I now have a Web site. I have officially separated myself
from the animals at www.georgewaters.net. It is a thrilling feeling to
assert one's pre-eminence like this, knowing that even if a very smart
mammal, like a dolphin, managed to get on a computer, it would still never
figure out HTML. No way. Right-clicking, maybe. HTML, no way. I designed and built the entire Web site myself, so if you are considering doing the same, I can offer plenty of firsthand helpful advice, like don't. Hire a professional. Trust me. Unless you want to spend every weekend for the next six months screaming "Oh no! Why did it do that?" at your computer, hire somebody, because learning HTML code is a lot like learning the most obscure foreign language on earth, only less useful. No one speaks it, for one, plus you have to remember which words get <brackets> and which don't. Hint: <I still> have no
<idea>. Besides, if people actually did
speak HTML, it would look like this: <greeting>Hi George, how
are you?</greeting> <false enthusiasm="high">Awesome!</enthusiasm> Ten to one, a dolphin never comes
up with that. Of course, a Web site does not
occur in a vacuum, although, let me tell you, it often sucks like one.
First, you have to hire a Web host, which is a company with a giga-booty
(large accumulation) of computers on which your site's words and pictures
can sit. This service can cost as little as $5 per month or as much as
$50 per month, the only difference being whether the company is any good
or not. I personally determine whether a Web hosting company is any good
by applying this simple test: Is it five bucks? Then it's good. Creating a Web site requires
many steps. First, you need to sketch out a rough draft of how you want
your Web site to look. Next, file it away in a safe place, because in
six months it will make you laugh coffee out your nose. You see, building
a Web site is a long, bumpy journey during which you increasingly lower
your standards. At the start, you envision having a Web site up that will
win design awards, and at the end, you envision having a Web site up.
You will need to create graphics. These are small, colorful images which you will want to choose carefully, because the quality of your Web site depends on them, and because soon they will be chasing you in your sleep holding little axes. Once your site has attractive
imagery, you must face the hardest part of all: creating actual content.
The content of your Web site is important, because it determines whether
people are attracted to your site. For this reason, I recommend that your
content contain Britney Spears. Even if the theme of your site is the
mating habits of Rhesus monkeys under drought conditions, be sure to feature
how Britney would feel about the poor things. Visitors will swarm to your
site. The final step is publicity. Let people know your Web site is up for public viewing, much like the site at www.georgewaters.net. After all your hard work, you want it to be visited by as many people as possible. But if the dolphins ask, you never saw me, O.K.? For the record, the author does not know how Britney Spears feels about Rhesus monkeys, which are technically called "Rhesus Macaques." One may assume, though, that she wishes them well in all their endeavors. © 2007 George Waters http://www.georgewaters.net/britney_spears.html
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