When A Green Thumb Is A Red Herring
© 2008 George Waters

My turkey advice column met with such success last Thanksgiving I have decided, now that it's spring, to write a gardening advice column, because my expertise in gardening is on exactly the same scale as my proficiency with giblets.

By which I mean just impossible to measure.

Luckily, I have with me renowned ("fictitious") gardening expert Jules Fern to help me answer your questions, so let's get started.

Dear George: Can you recommend something to go in my succulent patch?
Signed, Cactus lover in Covina.

Dear Cac: I could not have come up with a better double entendre if I had written it myself, and I did. Succulents, for those who are not schooled in the terminology of the "jardin" ("garden," misspelled), are plants which retain more water than the entire cast of "Sex and the City" after a Tostitos binge. No succulent patch is complete without Aloe. Aloe is also good for treating sunburn, because if you rub the plant on the affected skin, you will leave so many punctures from its spiny spikes you will have to hide your bare flesh away for at least a month.

Dear George: I have a slug problem. What can I do?
Signed, Slimed in San Dimas.

Dear SS: Beer attracts slugs. If you have ever been to a bar as a female, you know this. Experts say you should bury a plastic cup of beer in the ground so the slugs will be lured by the scent and then drown. This also works for lawn leprechauns.

Dear George: I am starting a garden from scratch. What should I do?
Signed, Newbie in Newhall.

Dear Newb: What you need is to draw up a "garden plan." Get a piece of graph paper and diagram how much ground you want to devote to flowers, how much to vegetables, etc. Now tear the plan into strips and mix it into your compost heap, because nobody likes a "planny-nanny." Just dig some holes and go crazy, I say!

Jules: If I can interject here…

George: Oh, this ought to be good.

Jules: A formal plan is not necessary, true, but you should draw some ideas on a scratch pad if that will help you visualize just what an anal retentive you are!

George (high-fiving Jules): Good one, Fern.

Jules: You made me what I am today.

George: An imaginary expert designed to fill space while I go get a doughnut?

Jules: Exactly. Now why don't you read another "letter."

George: Gotcha. Here is one from Cathy in Castaic, who writes: "Dear George, is it all right to put used coffee grounds in my compost bin?"

Dear Cath: Coffee is organic, so absolutely. Decay is the goal with compost, so add anything that is known to break down quickly and completely - soiled paper towels, banana peels, the American political system, etc.

Dear George: I have heard of people having a "gardening buddy." What is that?
Signed, Solo in San Gabriel.

Dear Solo: A gardening buddy is a fellow gardener with whom you agree to share tools, seeds and moral support. Gardening can be a lonely hobby, where often your only company is slugs singing barely audible drinking ballads. Most of all, a buddy is a gardening partner who, after four hours in the blazing sun, can help confirm to you: "Yeah, I hear them too."

Remember the famous proverb, folks: "The garden in your mind will never be the one that grows in your yard," unless, of course, you, yourself, are pushing up the daisies.