George Waters - Humor Writer - "On the Waters Front"

I read in the papers where they have jobs now in what they call the "technology sector," where a fellow can sit at a desk all day, not do anything that any reasonable workingman would call "work," and get paid top dollar for it. Kinder like a Congressman. What I want to know is what these technology birds do at that desk all day, so I can do it too.

I got one of 'em to show me his computer gadget, which he acted mighty proud of, like he'd just hatched it himself. These computers just seem a lot like typewriters to me, but with all the soul siphoned out, sort of like the Democratic Party these days. But what do these computer boys actually do to get paid better'n a dentist? At least with a dentist, he hands you the tooth he just pulled and you have something to show for what you paid him.

So I went down to that Google company to poke around a little bit and figger out what these gentlemen consider work. One fellow told me he "codes" all day. I felt a little better then, because I know a little something about encryption. The wife practices it on me every time she talks to one of her lady friends on the telephone inside my earshot. Next thing you know, I'm signed up to go to somebody's wedding.

These Google boys tell me that they've had a lot of success with what they call their "algorithm." The wife learned me about that too. So now every time I go to one of these weddings, I have to demonstrate mine out on the parquet floor. But mine don't net me $400 per share like theirs do.

I ain't one to criticize, mind you, but a sap who lays out $400 for one tiny piece of a company that don't produce nothing is on a collision course with what we call in Oklahoma a "life lesson." You just look at the price of Google stock and you wonder whether P.T. Barnum was being conservative regarding the birth rate of suckers.

Modern technology is a mighty fine game, but the problem with it is, as soon as you buy a fancy contraption, like one of these cellular telephones, you just know next week they'll make one that's cheaper and smaller. The way technology is headed, eventually that phone will cost a nickel, but you won't be able to see it.

I heard a speech last week by this fellow Bill Gates. You might know him as the comedian who started up a company that's famous for making windows that cause people to pull out their hair. Now that's what I call a real 21st Century rope trick. Any man who can sell like that ought to be in politics. Well, Bill said that pretty soon your computer and your lamp and your toaster will all talk to each other and your life will be as easy as pie. That gag got over pretty good with the crowd, but I ain't biting. I figure the day I see my toaster talk is the day I walk right down to the Capitol and ask them to reinstate prohibition.

I've been around the block enough times to know that folks pretty much get what's coming to 'em, though. If it's high technology they want, that's what us red-blooded capitalists will give 'em, until the next great fad comes around, like farming, or voting Libertarian.

Speaking of which, the November elections is just around the corner, and Thanksgiving too. The first is almost enough to ruin your appetite for the second, but I guess we'll muddle through like always. Politicians talk a good game, but they're mostly harmless. The incumbents, anyway. They'll tell us all the great shakes they are that the other scoundrel ain't, and you can believe 'em too. About 10% worth. It's like anything else in life. Ten percent is about all you can get your rope around for sure. The rest is just a whole lot of applesauce.