Preparing Taxes Is A Breeze with
Furbo Fax
© 2008 George Waters
I just finished doing my tax returns
for this year, which I always try to do in March so that I have
plenty of time to recover from the nausea before hay fever season
kicks in.
I do my taxes with a computer program
(I'll call it "Furbo Fax"), which is great for automating
the process of reminding you how little money you make. First,
it imports your return from the previous year, briefly displaying
a little pop-up screen which says "Seriously? For a family
of four?" and then creates a new, blank return.
The great thing about using a computer
to do your taxes is that you can avoid the uncomfortable experience
of lying to an actual person.
Did I say lying? I meant "clarifying."
Flagrantly.
Clarifying just how little income
you have, and how very, very many deductions. But the best thing
about using a computer program is that it asks you questions about
every possible tax situation. For example, it asked me "Are
you legally blind?" I typed in "Only to my wife's best
qualities."
Furbo was not amused. It looked
over last year's return and shot back, "Last year you reported
income from Employer X. Were they gullible enough to keep you
on for another year without noticing that on the Saturdays you
work, the paper clip supply all but disappears?"
Furbo also has an entertaining
way of popping up with a question seemingly out of nowhere: "Any
Canadian retirement plans?" Weird.
When I said no, Furbo asked me
"Do you wish to claim a credit for alcohol used as fuel?"
Hmm, I thought. Define "fuel."
Furbo then asked me if I had my
own business, and if so, "Did you take an 'active role' in
your business? If you were actively involved in the operation
of your business, you are considered to be playing an 'active
role.'"
At this point, I took a break to
take an active role in using alcohol as "fuel."
Furbo changed tactics entirely,
and asked me if I had any "passive activity losses"
last year. Certainly I have mastered passive activity, but I couldn't
think how losses come into it. The ways of the IRS are deep and
inscrutable. For example, here are some little-known (but actual)
deductions:
If your property was destroyed
in a "president-declared disaster," your losses can
be deducted. (If your president is
a disaster, you're out of luck).
You may deduct your birth control
pills (but only if you are a Democrat sworn not to reproduce).
You may deduct your hybrid car
(mine is definitely a hybrid--part transportation, part toy chest/fast
food trash receptacle).
To offset your post-secondary education
expenses, you may apply for the Hope Credit (applicants must be
able to prove "audacity").
You may deduct fertility treatments
(Republicans only, please).
The costs of a swimming pool may
be deducted if you can prove it is "medically necessary"
("I am sick of the damn humidity" is not considered
an illness).
The biggest news on the tax front,
though, is the president's economic "stimulus package,"
a phrase which I am unable, frankly, to say without snickering
like a pubescent boy.
Basically, right after I send off
this year's tax money, I will get some of last year's back. No
doubt the IRS will tax it next year as "income." The
government giveth, and the government taketh away. All I knoweth
is, the direction the economy is headeth, this year I am going
to be taking an even more active role in using alcohol as "fuel."
Share this column with a friend by copying and
pasting this link into your email: