Preparing Taxes Is A Breeze with Furbo Fax
© 2008 George Waters

I just finished doing my tax returns for this year, which I always try to do in March so that I have plenty of time to recover from the nausea before hay fever season kicks in.

I do my taxes with a computer program (I'll call it "Furbo Fax"), which is great for automating the process of reminding you how little money you make. First, it imports your return from the previous year, briefly displaying a little pop-up screen which says "Seriously? For a family of four?" and then creates a new, blank return.

The great thing about using a computer to do your taxes is that you can avoid the uncomfortable experience of lying to an actual person.

Did I say lying? I meant "clarifying." Flagrantly.

Clarifying just how little income you have, and how very, very many deductions. But the best thing about using a computer program is that it asks you questions about every possible tax situation. For example, it asked me "Are you legally blind?" I typed in "Only to my wife's best qualities."

Furbo was not amused. It looked over last year's return and shot back, "Last year you reported income from Employer X. Were they gullible enough to keep you on for another year without noticing that on the Saturdays you work, the paper clip supply all but disappears?"

Furbo also has an entertaining way of popping up with a question seemingly out of nowhere: "Any Canadian retirement plans?" Weird.

When I said no, Furbo asked me "Do you wish to claim a credit for alcohol used as fuel?" Hmm, I thought. Define "fuel."

Furbo then asked me if I had my own business, and if so, "Did you take an 'active role' in your business? If you were actively involved in the operation of your business, you are considered to be playing an 'active role.'"

At this point, I took a break to take an active role in using alcohol as "fuel."

Furbo changed tactics entirely, and asked me if I had any "passive activity losses" last year. Certainly I have mastered passive activity, but I couldn't think how losses come into it. The ways of the IRS are deep and inscrutable. For example, here are some little-known (but actual) deductions:

If your property was destroyed in a "president-declared disaster," your losses can be deducted. (If your president is a disaster, you're out of luck).

You may deduct your birth control pills (but only if you are a Democrat sworn not to reproduce).

You may deduct your hybrid car (mine is definitely a hybrid--part transportation, part toy chest/fast food trash receptacle).

To offset your post-secondary education expenses, you may apply for the Hope Credit (applicants must be able to prove "audacity").

You may deduct fertility treatments (Republicans only, please).

The costs of a swimming pool may be deducted if you can prove it is "medically necessary" ("I am sick of the damn humidity" is not considered an illness).

The biggest news on the tax front, though, is the president's economic "stimulus package," a phrase which I am unable, frankly, to say without snickering like a pubescent boy.

Basically, right after I send off this year's tax money, I will get some of last year's back. No doubt the IRS will tax it next year as "income." The government giveth, and the government taketh away. All I knoweth is, the direction the economy is headeth, this year I am going to be taking an even more active role in using alcohol as "fuel."