Expecting Thanksgiving Guests?
Waters has some "advice"
© 2007 George Waters
While I am not an advice columnist
per se (a Latin phrase meaning "purse"), most advice
columns simply require using common sense, and I can certainly
fake that. So, since this is a week in which many people have
Thanksgiving-preparation questions, I am here for you with my
faux (a French term meaning "best") advice:
Dear
George, what is the best temperature/time combination to cook
the perfect turkey? Sincerely, Perfectionist in Pasadena.
Dear PiP: First of all, there has
only ever been one perfect turkey, and that was Jesus's turkey,
so get over it. Many people like to cook a turkey for five hours
at 325 degrees, but I have never been a "follower."
So I put my turkey in at 85 degrees last Labor Day. I haven't
checked it lately, but I am sure it will be great for Thursday.
It is too late for you to do this, so just buy a really big chicken
and a lot of wine.
Dear George, my mom and stepmother
are not on speaking terms, but I have to invite them both. How
should I deal with seating arrangements? Signed, Flummoxed in
Fontana.
Dear Flum: Seat them right next
to each other. This will make it easier for you to hear the Cowboys/Jets
game.
Dear George, I turned 18 this
year, and now that I'm a man, my mom wants me to carve the turkey.
I have no idea how. Signed, Turkey Trouble in Temple City.
Dear TT: Now that you are 18, your
mother will start asking you to do a lot
of things you don't know how to do, like grow up. The key here
is to proudly take the carving knife and proceed to cut slices
which are alternately transparently thin and as thick as a "Harry
Potter" book. To cement the deal, bust a huge sneeze on the
bird too. Guess how soon you will be asked to carve the turkey
again. That's right.
Dear George, is there such a
thing as "too much pie"? Sincerely, Curious in Covina.
Dear Curious: I am often asked
if there is such a thing as a stupid question. I have always said
no, but I stand corrected. Dude, the concept of "too much"
pie is like the concept of "too many" black olives on
your fingertips. No way.
Dear George, what is the most
appealing centerpiece for my table? Sincerely, Decor-deficient
in Duarte.
Dear Dec: The centerpiece of your
festive table is the most important element in your guests' enjoyment
of the holiday. I would go with two flat-screen Sony Bravias set
back to back facing the long way down the table, so nobody misses
any part of this meaningful celebration of America's team.
Dear George, my hipster aunt
from Santa Fe and her husband, the Reiki healer, have made it
clear they won't set foot in my home unless I provide Tofurkey
with Ancho chiles. What the heck is that? Signed, Stressed in
San Berdoo.
Dear Stressed: Tofurkey is a tofu-based
meat substitute. Anchos are dried Poblano chile peppers grown
in the Central Mexican state of Puebla, famous for their sweet,
mild paprika flavor, moderate heat, and a hint of jalapeno and
tobacco undertones. What were you, raised in Antarctica?
The main thing to remember Thursday
is that a long time ago, Indians helped white settlers survive
the winter, and in return the white man showed them how to completely
cover their land, ocean to ocean, with Jiffy Lubes. Ask any Indian.
Before us, it took for-freakin'-ever to lube.
You're welcome, Indians. You're
welcome.
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